I mean, seriously.
Anyone who knows me probably knows that I'm a Christian. Anyone who read that statement and was shocked into no longer wanting to be my friend, please leave a comment or contact me, but before you do, hear this: I don't flaunt being a Christian for various reasons, most of which don't need to be explained.
But I feel as though the topic of religion needs to be discussed. I've often told people that I am "more spiritual than religious," and overall I'm one who doesn't like the idea of church. I do like the things Jesus said and did, like being kind to one another and such, but the idea of praying to God, suffice to say, doesn't bode well with me. I don't pay attention during the Hebrew lesson, but I ALWAYS turn to face whoever is reading from the Gospels, which are about people helping people and moral lessons, which brings be to the point of this paragraph: I go to church for its community, and that's it. But then again, therein lies the problem: you can have a community of friends who believe the same thing you do without having a place to do so.
Organized religion doesn't seem to have any perks. You are required to get up early and go to a service, to sit in uncomfortable pews where you aren't allowed to speak, clap, or do anything "out of order." Seriously: you can't clap after a performance you liked because that would take away the importance of the fact that the performer is doing something to worship God. And as for praising God, there's these weird rules about how you should do it profusely and often, but only in a certain way.
Which brings me to stuff about God. Yeah, I know, a lot of stuff has been said about God, and here's the thing: people are often catagorized in terms of their belief of God: you are, agnostic, atheist, Christian, etc. Myself? Well...
Last semester was my first semester at college. It was tough. Really tough. Eventually I decided that what I was doing was "not what God wanted" or "not what God had planned for me" and not something I was cut out for. My faith in God took serious blows as I failed a class, and became EXTREMELY depressed. To make matters worse, the semester culminated in the theft of my laptop, journal, and basically everything precious to me, save for the things I had saved online (like this journal).
This semester has been much better, but there's still something wrong. I'm forced into going to church since the handbell ringers at my college play there about once a month. But here's the thing: I walk in, and you know what the first thing they want you to do once you get there?
Pray for the forgiveness of your sins.
Excuse me, God, but there's something quite wrong with this action. If God wants to take away my life and happiness, well that's fine, but afterwards, please don't ask me to ask for forgiveness. I was completely unaware that suffering was in and of itself a sin. It's liked being slapped in the face for no apparent reason and then asked to apologize. That's absolutely ridiculous. No wonder people call us insane. Needless to say, God and I have some issues.
Perhaps at this point it's best to address "the miracle of faith." The miracle in all of this is that I still believe in God. That's right, you heard me correctly; I still believe in God. Most people, after having these experiences, would turn away from God and not believe in a higher power anymore. My thought process goes like this: God has been known to show neglect. I have not turned away from God, instead, God has turned away from me. People would become atheists, or at the very least agnostic. I am neither of those things, because I believe this: only God can wreak such havoc on man.
If you look at the book of Job, Job 1:22 states that Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing. Why is this a sin? Job also states later that we must accept both trouble and relief from God. I continued prayer through this semester of depression, and my prayers were not answered in kind. I feel like Job, and right now I'm telling "the lord" of what is right, and here it is:
God can't be both human and inhuman. Neglect is human, and so because of my suffering, I will rail against God not because he could prevent my suffering, but because of the injustice that I am supposed to ask for forgiveness from him after he has taken away the things that are precious to me. THAT is wrong. THAT is evil.
Are you listening?
